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. Important Information For Everyone

On the first of April 2003 The Ecchi Patent Company applied for a patent on the letter A. This Patent has now been formalised and all users of the letter A (in either capital, lowercase, or any variation thereof) must immediately obtain a license or discontinue use of the aforementioned letter forthwith.

This is in line with current business trends and marketing policies. IE we are capitalising on an existing item by paying a team of high priced lawyers to come up with a reason to claim that we own copyright on that item. Then finding an elderly and semi-senile judge who can be convinced of this "right" we are claiming and make it official. So far we have found suitable semi-senile judges in USA, Canada, Mexico, Australia, New Zealand and the EU - all who have ratified our patent. We are continuing to petition other semi-senile judges in all other countries and expect to have world patent rights by the middle of next year.

This may be a new business model to you, but believe me, it has been going on for some time. It was most popular late last century when Internet patents were "discovered" for technologies that had been public domain since ARPANET was first created. Remember, the popularity of the Internet made all things easier, including corporate greed!

Since the letter A has been "public domain" pretty much since language was invented, we felt it was high time someone "discovered" that they "owned" it, and took out a patent. And since no one else had done so, we stepped in.

Don't like it? Well you should have done it first! You have had several millennia to patent the letter A, but you never even bothered looking into it, did you? If you had acted faster, you would now be the one making trillions out of the patent instead of me. Or if you are one of these people who felt it should remain public domain, you should have patented it then issued a GNU General Public License for the letter A. But you are too late hippie! He who snoozes, looses. You snoozed, so you lost, we won. We own the letter A.

As one of Britain's greatest business entrepreneurs used to say "Who dares wins, Rodney - who dares wins!"

Put that in your lentil burger and smoke it!

And since we now own patent on the letter A, we can now order you to buy a licence from us and say:

Failure to obtain a licence while continuing to use words containing the letter A will result in both civil and criminal prosecution. In the civil courts we will push for damages equal to every cent you own. In the criminal courts we will push for a really long prison sentence. Preferably "life without parole plus thirty" (which means you will not be eligible for release until at least thirty years after you die). This may seem extreme, but we consider the crime of "not paying us all the money we want" to be more serious than mass murder. Remember - commerce keeps the country alive. So by not paying your bills you are killing an entire country, and that is genocide! Genocide is worse than mass murder. Ergo, not buying a licence to use the letter A is worse than mass murder!

If, after prosecution, you continue to use the letter A without purchasing a licence, then we will apply to the courts to get a warrant to have your lips glued together.

Some people may consider it unfair that they now have to pay for using words with the letter A in them. This is an unreasonable attitude. If you do not wish to pay for a licence to use the letter A, then you do not have to. True, this will mean that you will no longer be allowed to say words with the letter A in them, but there are plenty of other words which do not contain the letter A. Pick a few of those, and use them instead.

For example, instead of saying:
A cat sat on a mat.
You could say:
The dog sits on the rug.
That is almost the same thing, and it does not contain the letter A!

For those people who wish to continue using the letter A, full details of the patent, and your liability, can be found by following the link "About The Patent" on the menu to the left. This explains all you need to know about our patent, and what we will do to ensure we get every cent we can from you. We advise everyone to read this document carefully, ignorance of the patent is no defence in a court of law, and we will soon begin prosecuting people who fail to purchase a license and continue to use the letter A.

Remember - A person who continues to use the letter A without first obtaining a licence, is a criminal, and will be treated as a criminal.

Once you have read and understood your liability I suggest you proceed to the Types of Licence document to accurately decide which type of licence you require. Buy as many licences as you need for as many uses as you think you will need. Even if you don't use the letter A in a certain way, buy a licence for that type of use anyway. It is better to be safe than sorry!.

Finally go to the Methods of Payment page and complete your purchase of the appropriate licence. This is the most important stage - the stage where you give us all your money. We like this bit best!

When you go to the Methods of Payment page please have proof of earning to hand, as well as a copy of all your savings books, bank statements, etc. As we will need to work out exactly how much you can afford to pay to calculate how much we can take from you.

But hurry: We are currently offering a 90 day amnesty period, if you purchase your license within that time you will not be charged for your prior use of the letter A. However once the 90 day period has elapsed anyone who has not purchased a license will be expected to pay for each and every use of the letter A they have made since birth.

So it is in your own best interest to obtain a licence. You will be avoiding yourself a major headache. You will avoid prosecution and a criminal record. But more importantly, you will avoid being beaten unconscious by thugs wielding metal baseball bats. Not that I am saying that we will send thugs round to beat you unconscious with baseball bats if you do not buy a licence. That would be illegal, and we would not do something illegal. Or at least, I would not admit to doing something illegal if we did. I'm just saying it could happen. Being beaten unconscious by thugs wielding metal baseball bats is the sort of thing that happens to people who do not buy licences. But this has nothing to do with us. It is just coincidence.

Thank you for your attention, please now read the documents on this site and purchase your license.

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